Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
