It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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