Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
