OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
