I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
