A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
