fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
