My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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