I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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