so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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