Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize