i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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