Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
