we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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