the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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