I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
