$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize