Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
