he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
