his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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