ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize