1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
