The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
