Where did you get a picture of my penis
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
