meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
