I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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