The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
