...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
