Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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