If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize