I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
