I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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