I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
