He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
