If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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