I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
