The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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