I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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