How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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