New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
