Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
