So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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