Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
