I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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