you win again, gameday.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
