I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize