just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
