thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
