Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
