I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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