i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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