He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
