we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
