Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize