i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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