my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
is that a dick in a sweater?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
