i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize