Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
