His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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