I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
