I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
