I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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