Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Someone shattered a urinal.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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