Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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