What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
