I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
