So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
