I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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